so glad

i am so happy about taking class today. another new teacher and the first one i admitted having a shoulder injury to. she was so great. awesome flow of class, and great energy. the kind of teacher i would follow to any studio.

i chose to just focus on being graceful in all of my movements–even when grabbing my towel to sop up all  my sweat. i also wanted to me more aware of my breath. and i also realized that the daily practice of yoga is what is going to get me closer to my goal–not just a month-long devotion. i suppose i get impatient and frustrated that i’m not seeing or feeling results, but the time i have in class and the moments that follow class are all about just being settled with things as they are. to be happy no matter what. when i am frustrated it is only a sign of not accepting things and this is really my struggle. to just accept things. i suppose in class i am protected in a way, the world has to just hold on while i take time for myself. which mostly means the world inside my head. the physical and mental focus it takes to fully commit to class forces all peripheral things out. its pretty great. i think the next step for me is to create a home practice. yes. that is next.

mission impossible

i went to yoga today and had a new teacher. one of those old school teachers, female, long greying hair. incredible muscular arms under tan skin. it was a total fluff class, but she had great energy and good anatomical knowledge and an eye for misalignment. she also had no problem singing along with the music she had on and encouraged us to as well. because apparently everyone knows the words to…wait, i dont even know the song…anyhow, i just enjoyed the atmosphere. i have come to the conclusion tho that it is impossible to have a workshop when the world is still revolving around you. or, in my case, barely revolving around me. a friend suggested that maybe all my down time gives me too much time to think which is bad, but i WANT to think. i want to know everything. i want to be honest and fearless.

perhaps more than just going to class, i need a home practice. complete with meditation. i am too easily distracted by thoughts that combat any progress i make toward believing in my worthiness. and its something that has to be reinforced every moment. and this takes practice. ugh. i hate practice. yet, somehow i seem to automatically practice reinforcing all the negative thoughts, so maybe it can become instinctual. psshh. i’m just babbling now.

oof!

so i just got my ass kicked. of course, a male teacher. i knew things were gonna be army-style when i was jolted out of my pre-class meditation by his sharp, “ok, let’s start” we started in a pose i have never seen before that he called “broken toe pose” you sit on your heels with your toes tucked under and the knees on the ground. he said if you do this for five minutes a day you’ll never have [something anatomical that means your feet wont turn to stone] i could barely stand the 3 minutes he had us do it for. mainly because of the effect on the shins. and since i didnt have a chance to let an intention come to mind, when he prompted us to consider one, immediately my brain said, “just get thru this”

so, this guy is not messing around. his cues are great and he is very much about pushing beyond what you think are your boundaries. i’m pretty sure a bucket of sweat poured out of me. it was the hardest physical thing i have done in a while. he corrected one of my poses, and i am still not sure how to fix it, but it had something to do with me hyperextending my knee. i guess i should’ve asked after class, but i get shy. i feel better tho. i’m afraid to take his class again, which really just makes me want to take his class again. i’m funny that way.

i got nothin

seriously. i feel like there is no way anything is getting thru to me. i have this shell of worry and anxiety and sadness and i refuse to let anything good in. i have to force myself to go to class, eventually being glad for it, but all growth has ceased.  maybe i’m just processing, i’m not sure, but i feel numb. or overstimulated into numbness.

my class the other day was nice. the teacher was new to me and male and actually very nurturing. [i say that because usually i find male teachers to be kind of cold and business-like.] the intention i chose was “health.”  seemed good.  it was a nice class, lots of unusual breathing techniques, but it helped to keep me focused. had a great buzz from it on the walk home. even took a dance class that night that was superfun. i don’t know, maybe i just feel shitty today. or maybe i’m feeling shitty because i’m not getting the cathartic experience i was hoping for. i am looking for a cure and i thought doing something spiritual and body centered would bring me to that, and perhaps it could and i’m just impatient. maybe this is just today. blech. maybe having to wake up to my downstairs neighbor’s blasting music at whatever hour she wants has made me cranky. maybe maybe maybe. i obviously need to take a down dog.

transition??

another class with my favorite yoga firecracker. i chose the word transition and liked it a lot. life transition, work transition, self transition. i could even apply it physically. so, class begins. and its fine. well, its unsatisfying really because i am distracted. i am unable to focus. i am going thru the motions. something is wonky and i’m not sure what. i did skip class over the weekend, which might have gotten me off track. i dont know, but i mostly had a hard time just being present at all. my brain was overrun with thoughts both meaningless and hard on myself. something was keeping me from letting myself really experience anything. i think that consistency is important in this. including the writing in the morning. its just monday, maybe…

commitment

ok, so maybe this one just popped in my head because i like the way the teacher says this word, but nonetheless, it’s the message i received, so i went with it. but let me back up.

the day before i chose clarity. i didnt write anything about it, or that class’ effect because the actual lesson was: “ouch, i think i’m injured in three places.” the teacher was someone i had never had before, perfectly lovely woman, very peaceful, very good at consistently reminding the class of the focus, and even did some things i had never seen before. this seems to be a trait of all the classes i have had at this studio–the class runs along, very reasonable poses, then suddenly the teacher has the class twisting into braids and levitating off the ground. anyhow, she has us get into one of those crazy tuck-your-head-in-your-armpit poses and all the little areas of my body that had been sort of whining at me a bit started to shout–with the new addition of my neck just being thrown out of wack. so now my shoulder, knee and neck were all letting me know that perhaps i could stop trying to perform this particular pose and maybe all the other ones for the rest of the class. eesh. luckily, i was able to push thru to the end carefully, but if my word of the day was clarity, it came in the form of “clearly you need to pay attention to the messages your body is sending”

ok, back to commitment. so, i choose a class in the afternoon with a teacher i had never had. i really like the sampling of teachers, and was looking forward to a new experience. when i arrived, it looked like the teacher was going to be the peppy asian woman instead of this new person and although i was disappointed at first, at least i knew i would get a good ass-kicking class. so, i set up my mat, lay on my back and let the intention float into my brain. “co-mit-mahnt” i can hear the way she says it and think maybe this is just me liking to imitate the way she speaks, but still think it’s a great intention, so i take it. i also decide to add grace on there to help soften my forceful physical approach. and so the class begins. and maybe like 10 minutes in, i realize that this teacher is by far my new favorite. she is so giggly, and smiley and full of energy that i smile throughout the entire class. i had the most joyful time in there. constantly reminding myself how much i love to move and am lucky to have the capacity to do so. and any time i am in an environment where i am given the chance to stretch and push and hop around, i am in my most blissful state. so, again, the intention turns from one thing to another. i would say the better word for this class would be gratitude–but having a co-mit-mahnt to it daily might work too..

forceful

the journey to yoga today began with ominous clouds only to be interrupted by torrential downpour. with wind. the kind that makes you stop for a second and definitely makes you hold the umbrella with two hands. but i like my walk to yoga, and rain, sleet or shine, i am walking. so i am there and i am wet and i lay on my mat and consider what my intention should be for class. no, i dont consider, i lay and wait for the words to come. “self-growth” by brain says. “what?” i say. “what do you mean by that?” and brain replies, “i dont know, you wanted a word and i gave it to you, so there it is.”

ok, fine. self-growth. big subject. but there is no wrong answer. so i roll with it. teacher walks in and class begins. teacher is someone i have taken with at another studio months ago whom i still on the fence with, vibe-wise. male teachers are hard for me to connect with for some reason. anyhow, class begins. i enjoy the way his sun salutations are fluid and peaceful and just move naturally with what i think is just my rhythm. once we move to balancing poses i gather that today is a shaky day. i cant find it. i try forcing it. it seems to work, but i am tremendously wobbly. but i am also stubborn and refuse to fall. meanwhile, the arches of my feet are shifting shifting shifting trying to agree with my mental force and i have to smile at the fight that is occurring. as the class progresses i notice that i am forcing all my poses. and now a new word appears-’forceful’

my practice today is forceful. perhaps everyday. perhaps this is not just in how i move but how i am. and now i see the more focused point of the original intent. i force things. i dont know how to just let in, i force. i am ignorant as to how exactly i can move from this natural way of being to what i would prefer, which is to be softer in general. but, in yoga, there is so much to physically focus on–posture, breathing, alignment, weight location…i think and think and think and adjust and adjust and adjust and force force force. push back, rotate out, engage, breath, firm. my jaw clenches, my lips purse, by brow furls. this is not yoga, this is something else. i try not to be so hard on myself. i smile to help myself find the joy in moving which helps but i realize that this is not just something i need to adjust in my practice but in my life. finding balance between awareness/action and awareness/REaction.  i am frustrated by my desire to be more willing to let life happen and the inability to know how to do it. i practice any and all things that are meant to help with this, and yet somehow the stubborn one seems to win. or, maybe this was just today. i dont really know. but i am glad to be aware of it.

the walk home was blissful. post-yoga time is the best. not forceful even at all…

the workshop

so, i’ve been wanting to go to some other land to spend a weekend doing any kind of movement that i was drawn to. mostly dance, but anything to take me out of my usual day-to-day and into a place where nobody knows me and i can be brand new and feel more willing to take risks. oh, and learn new stuff.

but then yesterday i decided that instead of figuring out how to budget that into my life, i decided to make my own month-long workshop right down the street at a yoga studio. for everyday this month i will take [at least] one yoga class a day. i call it “30 in 30″ —totally ripped off of AA’s brand of immersion recovery where tough sell alcoholics are “recommended” to go to 30 meetings in 30 days so as to get the positive brainwashing done more quickly. anyhow, its my july regimen. i paid my $150 and now i’m going to do it. this is what i love about myself. if i just start a new habit when things are fresh [aka i have nothing to do] i just do it.

so, this month i have no job, no worries and only a fantastic show to get produced. and lots and lots of yoga to take. and i am going to take this journal on the journey with me. because this is a journal of truth, and yoga is a practice of inner truth [at least for me it is going to be.]

so yesterday was day one. i took an “anusara-inspired” style with a peppy and somewhat-hard-to-understand sweet asian woman with an accent so strong it sounds like she says “fingerchips” for fingertips. [why do i have to use quotes so much?] which was good in a lot of ways because it made me really need to focus on what she was saying as this was a style i have never taken before. needless to say, it was a killer and mostly due to the specific and amazing focus on exact, proper placement of the body which she was impressively detailed about and i could understand completely. yet another thing i am thankful for–body awareness. “bend the back knee, push the pelvis forward, then lift the knee and straighten the back leg while keeping the pelvis pushed forward” hoooleeee crap. just the tiniest articulation and my my thighs explode with the awareness of new usage. i freakin love it. by pose four there was a stream of sweat pouring down my face and dripping off my nose.

ok, so i think that yesterday was just about awareness of where my body is currently, which is strong, but seeking more strength. my intention for yesterday’s class was focus, and i definitely felt i was focused on doing the poses correctly, but i want even more focus. each day i will find some other word for it, but basically i want to move to the next level of self-awareness. where i dont have to spend so much time figuring out why i do the things i do, but use that knowledge which i already have to move forward. i am thwarting all joneses i have to flirt with boys and just going on dates with myself. i am writing in this journal every day as my “morning pages” and will go on artist trips once or twice a week.

how lucky am i to have this month to do this? very lucky. how can i ever have a normal job? i guess this will be part of my journey as well. the theme of this month? “What’s Next?”

colors

today i was cranky with obstacles in my driving path. bikers on the wrong side of the road, cars not going fast enough for me, pedestrians all hovering in the street waiting to cross, it didn’t matter. if you were in my damn way, you were getting cursed at. finally, i stopped and asked myself, “why are you so stressed out?” and i realized that i had every reason to be stressed out, but taking it out on other humans, whether they hear it or not, was not a right way to behave. because it doesn’t breed a hospitable universe for myself. and what i need is benevolence. and i am in charge of that. and when i reflected further about how i spit venom when i am not at peace with things, i could also see that i actually PLACE negative things in my head to help fuel my own self-hate and unworthiness. for example, i will still think of how i got silently dumped by a boy and how i never got a chance to win him back, and why did he do that, and thats so not fair, a wahwahwah….WHATEVER. the point is, i am making the choice to fester about it and no matter how many times i tell myself that it is what it is, and it was what it was, i still feel the need to put myself thru the agony of analyzing it YET AGAIN. and then i choose to stop it. as i am being directed by my touchy-feely self-help gurus who shall remain nameless, i need to reach for the better thought. i need to find a thought that makes me feel good. then build onto that one, and then build onto that next one until the bad feeling is gone and all i feel is good. and the first thing i always reach for is color. probably because it is the first thing that grabs me. i am driving and i look outside my windshield, and the first thing i see is a traffic light. and brake lights and lights in signs and the many colors that they all have. and i am thankful for colors. then i am thankful for my sight to be able to differentiate all the colors. then i am appreciative of my body and how it moves and is healthy and strong. then i am 1 million miles away from the bad feeling and i dont even remember that i was thinking about that.

just think about the colors.

what was it?

i realized something today.

scratch that.

i inhaled something into my cells and held it there. for at least 45 seconds. a minor catharsis. more help in my daily crawl towards unlocking the secrets of the universe. and now as i sit here to share it, i have forgotten it. thats the suck-ass thing with catharsis sometimes. it just dissipates. one thing i do know is that i do not share much. i keep secrets. i am aloof. i am protective. and there is really no reason. last week one of my students wrote on the subject of secrets and said that if there “were no secrets, the world be be filled with nothing but trust” and this struck me. she was right. we dont tell everyone everything. we only tell some people some things. we make them swear not to tell, yet we are dying to get our atrocities out into the open. we are afraid of what others will think or do in response. we hide things, hide ourselves. back away from fully engaging, and really what is the point of living if we are not truly engaging in life. i will tell more secrets. not yours tho. promise.

not ready quite yet. plus, your not even listening.